Q: Dear Professor Lockhart, I have a crush on this guy, I think I’m in love with him. I can hardly speak when I’m near him, I blush and I drop things. He must think I’m an idiot. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s older than me and he’s famous and popular and really good at Quidditch and so handsome and brave. How can I get him to like me?
A. Say no more. It’s natural for a young girl to feel an attachment to a good looking, older wizard, particularly an honorary member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly’s most charming smile award. You might call it hero worship. With time you will come to realise that no matter how charming, brave and devilishly handsome your idol may appear, you must accept he lives a dangerous life devoted to fighting the Darkest creatures known to wizard-kind. A relationship would be impossible, not to mention inappropriate. Name it not love therefore, but a sweet schoolgirl’s crush.
However, despite his higher calling, he always has time for his many admirers. Don’t worry about your speechlessness, he’s used to having that effect on witches. If you want to get to know your crush better, why not ask him for his autograph or buy him a bottle of Ogden’s Old Firewhiskey (As I’m sure you remember from Weekend with a Werewolf, this is favourite tipple). Alternatively he’s always happy to reply to any fanmail you might wish to direct to him. However, maybe I must advise you not to pursue a further acquaintence and instead look around for some less dazzling but less dangerous love. With a kiss and a wink,