Ask Lockhart or How I can solve all your problems with my magic wand.


I professor Lockhart am here to solve all your magical problems with a swift application of magical me! Today’s letter is from a young man concerned about the qualifications of his teacher.

Q. Dear Professor Lockhart,

I have a terrible teacher. He’s an arrogant idiot and he’s even brought wild animals into the classroom, I don’t know how to tell him he’s terrible and should just go away right now. On our very first lesson he brought wild magical creatures into the classroom and then released them. When they, predictably,  attacked he simply ran away. He seemed to have no idea how to deal with them, in all honestly I have no idea why he did it, other than the fact he’s an utter idiot or thought they might bring out the colour in his eyes. He now spends most of our classes telling long boastful stories that no-one actually believes. There’s another thing that bothers me about him, he keeps bothering my friend Harry. He gives him stupid advice and seems to think Harry wants nothing more than to be just like him, but Harry, like the rest of us, think’s he’s a prick. How can I let him know what an vain idiot he is? He seems to be unable to take a hint.

Yours Sincerely

R. Weasley

A. Ahh Mr Weasley, I have long shared your concerns about Professor Hagrid. I heard about the terrible injuries that occurred during his first lesson and his cowardly conduct therewith. Luckily the animal in question is going to be destroyed but inexplicably Dumbledore has stood by his bizarre hiring decision  I am no more surprised by what you tell me about your friend Harry, I have long seen that Hagrid has an unhealthy interest in the boy. Anyone can see that Harry is a bright young man who wants to follow a glamorous career, not be shut away as a gamekeeper. As for practical help I’m afraid I can provide very little, I’ve offered Hagrid my professional advice and the perusal of my books but he seemed obstinate and unwilling to listen. I am meditating a course to assist my fellow teachers in brushing up their skills, so don’t give up hope quite yet! One day perhaps all your lessons will be as fascinating and well managed as Defence Against the Dark Arts

Yours humbly,

Professor Lockhart

(My apologies for mixing two books, but we are being light-hearted, children)

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